I Can’t Sleep, So I’m Trying Something New

It’s been a long while since my nerves have kept me up at night. Oh, I lose sleep all the time, but generally, it is just a small and irritating side effect of my meds. This is nerves. The “induction phase” of my transplant starts next week. It is the week and a few days leading up to my transplant where I get shots of a drug to stimulate stem cell production, a central line catheter for collection, and then chemo and my stem cell infusion after that. I know it’s going to hurt. Few things haven’t since this all started. I know I’m going to feel crappy. If getting sick helps me get better, then fine. But I’m still scared. And, all the things that are running through my head are stupid, random, and don’t seem to make any sense. Usually, when I can’t sleep I quickly write something dumb on the Facebook about how “Hey, look, everybody, Facebook tells you what time I posted this, but just in case you can’t figure it out from that, I can’t sleep. Darnit.”

This time, however, I’ve decided to sit down at the computer, and actually write. It’s calmed my nerves a bit already, and hey, if you’re gonna be up at 5 in the morning, you might as well have something to show for it, right? On a completely unrelated note, I desperately need to clip my fingernails. I don’t like it when they hit the keyboard instead of my fingers, and it’s getting to that point. Drives me bonkers. Speaking of fingernails, how do you drive a fingernail biter nuts? Give them a can of soda and ask them to open it for you. Just kidding. Love you, Noah.

I’ve been trying to mentally compose a list of things I (my father and I) need to take down to San Antonio for the transplant. I’m staying in a hotel, unless I get sick, so we need the basics like food, toiletries, and then I’m pretty much drawing a blank. I guess actually writing out a list might help. Like, which foods, specifically, would be best to stock up on. And what things, personal things, might I take that would help me feel more at home, more comforted in such a strange place and time. Then there are things about which I’m not sure, and it’s freaking me out. Like, even though I’m staying in a hotel, should I buy a new pillow and take it with me (I’ve decided to err on the side of you can never have too many pillows and do it)? Am I a total idiot for taking my dog with me? I’ve had a headache for a couple of days now. Is it stress/anxiety, or oh, I don’t know, West Nile? (FYI, I think of Dana Carvey’s Church Lady when I say that out loud.)

I have been legitimately feeling less than perfect the last few days, and as a result I’ve stayed home from work. I’ve stayed home from pretty much everything. I feel like a loser. My brother, bless him, is a “fixer”. What’s not working, and what can be done to fix that? You’re tired? What have you been doing? Maybe you shouldn’t do that anymore. I suppose in a world of perfect logic, that would work. But what do you do when everything makes you tired? When you start out tired? If you stop doing what makes you tired, where are you left? Granted, perhaps I should make it more of a priority to pencil in time for things like cleaning or bathing my dog, but, to quote Vince Vaughn in The Break Up:

Why would I WANT to do the dishes???

But, my brother is a fixer. It’s how his brain is wired, and as a result, one of the ways in which he copes with life, and its challenges. In most situations that approach makes sense and would probably be helpful. It can even be applied to some areas of my life now. What makes me tired, though; what makes me feel bad is not one of them. Cancer makes me tired. Not living my life. I think I’ve allowed cancer to force me to change enough already.

I worry about how much my father worries about me. I worry about the toll this is now and will take on him. I can’t write anything more about that right now because I absolutely lose my mind when I do. He’s my hero, though. I am the luckiest daughter in the world to have him now, and all the time leading up to now. He is everything Phil Dunphy is, without all the misworded sentiments. Phil is arguably a funnier character, but my dad is hands down the best father.