It’s been what, 7 months? I haven’t written because I haven’t had much to write about. But, 7 months later, 9 since my transplant, there is some worry that the cancer has already returned. New pain in my arm. Activity on my MRI. I’m being treated with radiation, but will know more after my doctor’s appointment on Monday in terms of what this means in the big picture. I suspect he will want to do another bone marrow biopsy, as that is really the definitive measure.

But, that’s not what has been invading my dreams this past week. I recently had an ugly and public falling out with a friend. Someone I’ve been friends with for nearly 15 years. In a nutshell, she felt slighted (and thus hurt) by me, and in turn snubbed me – which hurt me. Neither of us tried to address our respective pain with the other, and as a result, our mutual resentment grew and – I guess – took on a persona of its own. I provided an opportunity for her to feel attacked, and she took it. And so, here we are. Angry at each other. Saying hurtful things to (and about) each other. Putting our friends in the unpleasant position of having to watch it all.

This all actually started before I was diagnosed with MM. She may feel that I have changed my standards of friendship since my diagnosis, but I have tried really hard not to. I even wrote a post about it some time back. But, I can’t be certain that it hasn’t happened. And, nobody’s perfect – certainly not me. Certainly not her. But, for some reason, we have moved past the point where we can admit that to each other, apologize, and move on. In our anger and pain, it’s almost as if every imperfection we have, respectively, is an indictment of the failure of each other. I have no idea what lies ahead for us. I have found myself wondering, if my myeloma is indeed active again, and I go downhill, what would I want? Would I want to leave things between us in death as they are now? Of course not. But, am I willing to step forward to try to heal any of this pain now? I’m not sure. And then, there is the other, always real possibility of something happening to her before/instead of me. Am I so proud that I wouldn’t want us on good terms just in case? Well, we are both obstinate, prideful, passionate people. I do know this: the degree to which we are capable of hurting someone, and being hurt by them, is directly proportionate to how much we love them. I just don’t know what happens when that scale gets tipped. I don’t know when it gets tipped.

Resentment is like an infection. A wound that, if left untreated, will fester and invade everything healthy around it. It becomes all encompassing. It poisons people, and it kills relationships. I am infected. She and I both are.


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